DW5 Reactions
by Clarinet
Summary: Koei sends a questionnaire to the Dynasty Warriors, who record their reactions to DW5.
1. Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang

_**Author's note: While trying (and failing) to continue DW Jeopardy, I wrote this instead. You don't have to read DW Jeopardy to read this, but it's better if you do, as I think there are a couple references to some DW Jeopardy stuff. Not as funny as Jeopardy, but it's all I've got right now. **_

Within the splendid office given to him by the Koei company, Liu Bei and his three brothers discussed contracts for future games, merchandising, and the Battle of Red Cliffs movie. They were weighing the pros and cons of having a big budget film about the Three Kingdoms era. Guan Yu maintained that the bigger budget would allow them to have decent battle scenes (this had been a sore point with him ever since the Chinese TV series). Liu Bei worried that anything produced by someone from Hollywood was likely to be all special effects and no depth, and he especially fretted that not enough emphasis would be placed on his virtue and the restoration of the Han.

Zhuge Liang entered the room, bowed to his lord, and handed him a letter.

"What's this?" Liu Bei took it. The letter, stamped with the official Koei seal, read:

_"Thank you for your participation in the most recent version of Dynasty Warriors. We appreciate your continued support of this most valuable franchise. As you are important members of the Koei team, we'd like to have your feedback on the game. Please answer the questions below in consideration of possible future titles:_

_1) __What is the worst aspect of the game?_

_2) __What is the best aspect of the game?_

_3) __How do you feel about your character?_

_4) __What improvements could we make to your character?_

_5) __If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?_

_6) __We've found in polls among fans that more romance is desired. Would you do a romantic scene with somebody? (Please describe your ideal romantic scene)_

_7) __If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with someone of the same gender (yaoi/yuri), who would be your preference?"_

Guan Yu stroked his beard thoughtfully. "… the last question is insulting. We should not answer it."

"If we don't fill out their questionnaire, how will they hear our criticisms and know what needs to be fixed?" replied Liu Bei. "I am going to give them a reply."

"My Lord," said Zhuge Liang, "may I suggest that we go to the Three Kingdoms main office, and discuss the questions with the people of Wei and Wu?"

"Why should we do that?" asked Liu Bei.

Zhuge Liang waved his fan. "Entertainment value, mostly. Have you seen Sima Yi's new outfit yet, my lord?"

Liu Bei shook his head. "I didn't have any cutscenes with him, so no."

"Well, you will understand when we arrive," said the strategist, with a cryptic smile.

… an hour later, in the Three Kingdoms main office, the three brothers and the Shu strategist arrived in time to hear Sun Ce's burst of laughter. The young warrior of Wu pointed at Sima Yi, who was clad in his DW5 outfit. "What happened to you?" he exclaimed. "Dude, you look like a flower!"

Sima Yi folded his arms and glowered.

Liu Bei and the brothers laughed at him.

"Apparently," said Zhuge Liang, "Koei decided to make his costume the dress I sent him at Wuzhang plains."

"It is not a dress!" objected Sima Yi.

Cao Cao stared at him. "Good lord, man, what happened to your voice?"

Sima Yi, silently fuming, cursed Koei for the changes made to his character.

Zhang He minced gracefully to his side and said, "Pay them no mind, lord strategist. You look lovely in that dress. Is it not important, above all else, to be beautiful?"

"Indeed," agreed Zhuge Liang. "And you certainly succeed there, Sima Yi."

Everyone in the room snickered.

Sima Yi slammed a hand down on the table. "Koei has gone too far! They're just trying to set me up for yaoi fandom on purpose now. What a mockery this is!"

Cao Cao chuckled. "My, Sima Yi, you could almost be added to my harem in that outfit. Hah! Too bad I was absent for a lot of the filming. Koei had the gall to make my son cooler than me, grr. I'm torn between fatherly pride and selfish egotism. Anyway, he's an ingrate. Thanks to his presence I missed a lot of what would otherwise have been my roles."

Sun Jian commiserated. "Don't I know it. I really preferred the previous games."

"Don't compare yourself to me, you pompous fool!" snapped Cao Cao. "You were about as important in the book as Yuan Shao. All you did was die so that your sons could inherit."

"What? All right, Cao Cao, if it's a fight you want—"

"Would you two please stop bickering?" interrupted Liu Bei. "Anyway, Cao Cao, I think as far as our offspring are concerned you can hardly complain. Look at what they did to Liu Chan."

"What?" said Cao Cao. "Made him a ruler who happens to suck? I'd say the portrayal's pretty accurate."

Liu Bei sighed regretfully. "That's what I'm complaining about."

Cao Cao sniggered.

Zhou Yu, who had been secretly laughing at Sima Yi's purple gown, made some effort to conceal his amusement as he said to the Wei strategist, "I sympathize with you Sima Yi. In fact, I propose we make a joint complaint to Koei."

Sima Yi turned to him. "Oh? You too? But you don't appear much different from previous games, and you have a wife in the game with you. What have you got to complain about?"

Zhuge Liang said,

"I'll explain it in a short little rhyme

About two great beauties of the time

Da and Xiao Qiao you might say

But no, the beauties of the day

Are Wu's Zhou Yu, Wei's Sima Yi

Now yaoi fans will scream with glee

To see Zhou Yu's tears for poor Sun Ce

And Sima Yi bloom alongside Zhang He."

This recital led many officers to burst out laughing, while Sima Yi and Zhou Yu had to be restrained from tearing the Shu strategist to pieces. He bowed gracefully.

"Sima Yi," said Zhuge Liang, "you did indeed match Zhang He perfectly in your purple dress. As for you Zhou Yu, I have to admit, I found your story mode extremely touching. I was a bit disappointed that I didn't get to play my usual role, but in fact, the heartrending story of your devotion to Sun Ce was quite worthwhile."

Zhou Yu growled, "Where is Lu Bu when we need him? Why can't you just roll over and die?"

Liu Bei took his strategist aside and said, "Kongming, is it really necessary for you to tease them like that? I don't recall you as having been so spiteful."

Zhuge Liang replied quietly, "Oh, I've nothing against either of them, actually. I think it's a shame Koei's made such changes to Sima Yi; I feel sympathy for him. However, there is reason in my actions."

"What reason?" asked Liu Bei.

"If I irritate them enough they will petition Koei to keep me out of the next game."

"What? Why would you want that?"

Zhang Fei supplied the answer: "Because he looks frigging stupid fighting with a fan."

"… thank you, Yide, for putting it so succinctly," said Zhuge Liang. "My lord, I have no place in a hack n' slash title. I am a strategist, not a warrior."

"Hey!" cried Sun Ce. "Quit the whispering over there! What are you guys plotting?"

"Nothing," said Liu Bei. "Let's get to the questions. I'm going to take down answers to deliver to Koei."

"Can we trust you to record our answers properly?" demanded Cao Cao.

Liu Bei nodded. "I _am_ the virtuous one here. But all right, I'll let all of you proofread them before I turn them in. Or turn in your own, if you'd prefer."

"Liu Bei is a man of his word," said Sun Jian. "I'll trust him, so long as he doesn't let his strategist lay a hand on it."

"That's fine," said Liu Bei. "I insist this thing be filled out honestly. Now, the first question: 'What is the worst aspect of the game'?"

All not on the Shu side cried immediately: "The Shu bias!"

Liu Bei blinked, sweatdropped. "… There's a Shu bias?"

Cao Cao slammed his hand on the arm of his chair. "Don't play innocent, you cretin! I'm sick of being made out to be the bad guy. Sure, I slaughtered innocent people and filled my harem with beautiful women of my choosing, but it's not as if _you_'re all that much better. They should put the arm incident in!"

Liu Bei paled. "No! Not the arm incident! Besides, this time around they made me seem horrible during the campaign for Chengdu. It's just awful! All of my attempts to keep peace with Liu Zhang are left out. I seem like a villain!"

"Good!" exclaimed Cao Cao and Sun Quan.

Liu Bei shook his head sadly. "It was such a tragedy, that incident… My advisors and his were itching for a fight, but we were kinsmen. It was because Pang Tong was so eager to assassinate him that tension rose between us, and then Pang Tong got killed…" He began to weep.

"Oh, GAWD! Spare me…" Cao Cao rolled his eyes.

"Speaking of the Shu bias," said Sun Quan, "what more evidence do you need than that posh office they get? We get stuck in a back room that used to be part of a warehouse!"

"Not to mention Zhao Yun…" added Sima Yi. "He's obviously the favorite, glorified in the intro."

Liu Bei looked up. "Where's the bias in that? It's only natural. Zhao Yun is magnificent. Anyway Cao Cao, you can't talk about bias when they made your son so much cooler than mine."

Cao Cao threw him an irritated glare. "What are you talking about? My son _was_ cooler than yours. It's only what he deserves!"

Cao Pi threw open the doors and entered the room. "Hello, everyone. Ah, father. You can retire now; a younger, better leader is here to guide Wei to glory and rid the world of the Shu bias."

Cao Cao narrowed his eyes. "What? How dare you dismiss me that way, you ungrateful brat!"

Cao Pi gave a smirk, and brushed back his hair. "Whatever…" he said coolly. "Now, shall we get to that questionnaire?"

Cao Cao growled, glaring suspiciously at his son.

Liu Bei cleared his throat and looked down at the questionnaire. "All right, so everyone's answer to the first question is… um… unfaithfulness to the original story, right?"

The answer, shouted at him from all corners of the room, was deafening: "Shu bias!"

Liu Bei hesitated. "Ah…"

"Give me that question sheet!" snarled Cao Cao, snatching at it.

"No! I'm writing it, all right?" Liu Bei scribbled hastily. "Look, I put it down – Shu bias. Fine. What about everybody from Shu? I'd say the worst aspect is the lack of faithfulness to the novel, especially during the assault on Chengdu—"

A groan filled the room.

"Oh, give me a break!" said Cao Cao. "You aren't such a righteous person. Just admit your faults like the rest of us."

"… and the fact that Liu Chan is in the game," continued Liu Bei, ignoring the criticism. "If they're going to alter the story, they may as well have Zhuge Liang take over the kingdom of Shu _like I told him to_. Also, Zhao Yun should be glorified more."

"What?" cried everyone.

Liu Bei began defensively, "Well, he _is _the greatest—"

"Oh, just shut up Liu Bei," snapped Cao Cao. "What's the next question?"

"Wait," said Guan Yu. "We haven't had our say about the worst aspect of the game. I dislike the corny stories provided for us. The voice acting doesn't help."

Zhuge Liang nodded. "I am in agreement with you on this. Also I agree with our lord about Liu Chan being in the game."

"All right, next question…" said Liu Bei. "'What is the best aspect of the game'? Everyone?" He looked around at his officers. All, simultaneously, shouted, "Shu bias!"

"Damn Shuists!" snarled everyone else.

"The best aspect is the addition of certain new officers," declared Cao Pi, smirking.

"I'm beginning to wonder about that…" Cao Cao looked dubiously at his son, who was dangerously cooler than him.

Pang Tong spoke up. "Actually, I would argue against Zhuge Liang and Guan Yu. I'd say the _best_ aspect is the corny storyline mode. Fans'll go wild over it. They don't really want Three Kingdoms the novel, and they certainly don't want a history lesson; they want entertainment. That's what the over-the-top storyline mode is for."

Zhuge Liang frowned at him. "You only like it because you end up a more likeable fellow than you were in the novel."

"Well… I can't deny that." The ragged little man shrugged. "It helps that a certain colleague of mine isn't being deified beyond imagination."

"I haven't the slightest idea what you mean," said Zhuge Liang.

Wei Yan growled out, "Best… aspect… fight!"

"Ah…" Liu Bei's eyebrows shifted as he tried to interpret this.

"'Fight'?" repeated Cao Cao. "What is the savage trying to say?"

Pang Tong translated: "Best aspect's the fighting, as it always is. Let's the player feel like an ultimate warrior."

"Yes…" agreed Wei Yan.

"I like the fact that we women get to play an active role," declared Yue Ying. "It could be better – we're still just shadows to our respective spouses – but at least we're not overlooked entirely. In the novel, I wasn't even mentioned until after I was dead!"

Cao Cao cast a lewd glance at the Qiaos. "I think we should be able to capture the women and—"

"Care to finish that remark?" snapped Shang Xiang, aiming her bow.

"… bronze bird pavilion. 'Nuff said."

Before Cao Cao could get mutilated by the women, Zhang Liao spoke up. "The best aspect is the reduction of the fog. I was so tired of not being able to see around the battlefield. Also, people don't just randomly pop in and out of existence, which is a refreshing change."

Liu Bei scribbled down everyone's answers. "All right, next the more personal questions… we'll go through one person at a time. Who wants to be first?"

"Me!" cried many voices at once.

"Er… all right," said Liu Bei, "we'll draw names from a hat. And the first person is…" He drew a name. "… Guo Jia?"

A general feeling of perplexity settled over the room. "Who?"

"Did he make it in this time?" asked Liu Bei.

Guo Jia, who had been skulking around at the back, grumbled, "No…"

Sun Ce, finally noticing him, exclaimed, "So what are ya doing here? Get out!"

"No!" objected Cao Cao. "Let him stay!"

Liu Bei shook his head. "I'm sorry, but this questionnaire is only for those of us who made it into the game…" Guo Jia was dragged out. "The next person is Zhou Yu. Zhou Yu, what do you think of your character? What improvements could be made?"

"Oh, well…" Zhou Yu flushed crimson. "I think I'd rather write my answer down myself…"

Zhuge Liang had another composition ready. "I'll tell you what it is in a short rhym—"

Zhou Yu clapped a hand over his mouth. "I'm annoyed that my story mode has so much to do with my devotion to Sun Ce, all right? Sure, we're good friends, but it's clearly a set-up for yaoi fandom, just like Sima Yi's purple dress matching Zhang He's fruity outfit."

Sun Quan nodded understandingly. "All right, but would you rather have your story center around your jealousy of Zhuge Liang's talents and his taunting you to death?"

Zhou Yu grimaced. "It's a hard choice…" He glared murderously at Zhuge Liang.

Liu Bei, who was beginning to fear for his strategist's safety, requested, "Will you please release him?"

Zhou Yu only complied because Guan Yu and Zhang Fei were nearby, but he muttered in a warning tone to Zhuge Liang, "One word out of you, and your life is over."

Zhuge Liang knew perfectly well that he was safe with Zhang Fei and Guan Yu nearby, and only smiled – much to the irritation of Zhou Yu.

"Next question," said Liu Bei, "if future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate? Not that I need to ask…"

"Zhuge Liang!" snarled Zhou Yu.

"I wonder how many people are going to give that answer…? All right, moving on, would you do a romantic scene with somebody?"

"I suppose so," said Zhou Yu.

Zhuge Liang turned to him and said, "The yaoi fans will be pleased to hear tha—"

"Shut up!" Zhou Yu's hand dropped to the hilt of his sword, but Zhuge Liang only arched his eyebrows and cast a quick glance towards Zhang Fei and Guan Yu. The Wu strategist gritted his teeth and growled, "With my _wife_, I would. A scene in good taste – romantic sunset, some nice music, maybe a kiss – nothing too risqué."

Sun Ce scowled critically at his friend. "Boring, dude!"

"If _you_ want to strip in front of the camera for the fangirls, fine," retorted Zhou Yu, "but such a thing is beneath my dignity."

Sun Ce shrugged. "Heck, if it means I get to finally see some action in the game – and I'm not talking about the hack n' slash stuff – then hell yeah, I'll strip for the—"

"You will do no such thing," declared Sun Jian sternly. "The Sun family will retain its dignity!"

Sun Ce groaned. "Awww, Pop. Y'all are such prudes."

"I'm not," said the smirking Cao Pi. "I'll gladly do a tasteful sex scene with my beautiful wife."

"What!" cried Cao Cao.

"Don't look so alarmed, father," said his son. "Wei's popularity will soar."

"That's not what I'm talking about!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "Why you? What about _me_? Who do you think made the Bronze Bird Pavilion, eh? If anyone deserves a steamy sex scene—"

"Ugh, Cao Cao in a steamy sex scene…" Yue Ying looked ready to throw up. "I feel sick…"

Liu Bei cleared his throat. "Ahem! Ah, everyone… moving along… Next person is Zhuge Liang! So Kongming—"

"Gah, a steamy sex scene between Zhuge Liang and his wife… now that's disturbing!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

Zhuge Liang raised an eyebrow. "My wife is even more beautiful in the latest Dynasty Warriors than in the last one, or didn't you notice?"

Cao Cao appeared skeptical, then took a good, long look at Yue Ying. "You know… you're right… she isn't so bad actually… needs to show a little more skin, but really, if we peeled off that skirt—"

Yue Ying fitted an arrow to her bow.

"Now, now…" Liu Bei patted her shoulder. "That was actually a compliment from him, in a… derogatory sort of way, but… Give him the benefit of the doubt. He thinks you're lovely."

"Didn't we skip a question for Zhou Yu?" said Sima Yi.

Liu Bei glanced at the sheet. "Oh! You're quite right. Zhou Yu, if you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with another man, who would it be?"

"God," said the Wu strategist flatly.

Liu Bei blinked. "What?"

"If I have to answer, it might as well be God." Zhou Yu snickered to himself and added under his breath, "… let's see them manage that one."

"O….kay." Liu Bei wrote it down. "Now, Zhuge Liang, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

"The lack of strategy," replied the Shu Strategist.

"The best aspect?"

"The lack of Liu Chan as a playable character."

"Gods I hope he doesn't show up in the next game…" said Liu Bei. "How do you feel about your character?"

Zhuge Liang shrugged. "Dissatisfied. I don't get to devise any brilliant strategies and I fight with a feather fan. My lines are trite, my cinemas are corny, my ending is full of ridiculously overdone melodrama, and Sima Yi's musou is still more useful than mine."

Sima Yi smirked.

Liu Bei frowned. "What do you mean ridiculously overdone melodrama? I cried when I watched your ending…"

Zhuge Liang felt more embarrassed for his lord than he cared to show, and Cao Cao and Sima Yi snickered. Liu Bei ignored their amusement and asked, "What improvements could be made to your character?"

"If I must participate in battle, I think I should use magic alone, and it should reference the novel," said Zhuge Liang. "For example, maybe I could call the wind to use it to knock down my enemies, or perhaps I could shoot fire, since I use it so frequently in my ambushes. Sima Yi could have water as his element, since it proved so useful to him in Shangfang valley."

Sima Yi, who was as annoyed at having to fight with a feather fan as Zhuge Liang, remarked, "Hmm… not a bad idea, actually…"

Zhuge Liang continued, "It would be nice if Koei would let me have a bit of fun, too. Having me act calm and collected is all very well, but I do have a sense of humor. Perhaps they could include taunting – like the sort I used to exasperate Zhou Yu to death. Of course I can't kill the players, but I might anger them enough to get them to throw the controller. After they lost a battle to my team, I could send them a consolation gift… for example, bow armor if they were killed by arrows, or a speed scroll if they were killed while fleeing. Only a low-level item of course – just to rub salt into the wounds of their egos—

"Umm…" said Liu Bei, "I get the feeling that sort of thing wouldn't increase your popularity at all…"

"If they're playing for Wei or Wu, it is my duty to humiliate them into defeat."

"Wow," said Zhou Yu. "I hope Koei implements your suggestion just so I can see how much the players _hate_ you for it."

"For instance," went on Zhuge Liang, "at Wu Zhang Plains, I might suggest to the player that we send Sima Yi a dress – oops! He's already wearing one."

Sima Yi snarled, "You bastard!"

Liu Bei queried in an undertone, "Are you trying to make _everyone_ vote for your elimination?"

"That's the idea," said his strategist.

Liu Bei was impressed. "Well… good job so far." In a louder voice, he asked, "So, if future cuts to the cast are necessary—"

"Liu Chan."

"Right."

"Wha—? Wait a minute!" exclaimed Cao Cao. "Liu Chan's not in the game! As a playable character, anyway."

"His name is mentioned," said Liu Bei. "I want it out. Now Kongming, what about a romantic scene?"

"I'd prefer not to," said Zhuge Liang, "but maybe I'll bargain with Koei about it."

"If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you with—"

"Just leave it blank. Anything I say is likely to be disregarded anyway."

"Right," said Liu Bei. "Next is Xiahou Dun..."

_**(A/N: Sorry, only got through Zhou Yu and Zhuge Liang. I might do some others, but that's all I have written just now. And to everyone who reviewed DW Jeopardy - thank you. Thank you very much! I really appreciate it.)**_


	2. Xiahou Dun and Yuan Shao

_**(A/N: Well... so... this is sort of like Round III of Jeopardy. That is to say, it's not nearly as interesting as the first part. Not as funny. I don't know. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe the next chapter will improve. But anyway, it's here, so I figured I might as well post it.)**_

"What is the worst aspect of the game?" Liu Bei asked.

Xiahou Dun snorted. "You have to ask? Shu bias!"

"Ah… right," said Liu Bei. "The best aspect of the game?"

"Killing thousands of worthless peons is pretty fun."

"But not very nice," commented Liu Bei, earning sour looks from Cao Cao and most of Wei. "How do you feel about your character?"

"I want to know what the hell is going on with my character!" exclaimed the one-eyed warrior. "What is this bizarre obsession I have with Guan Yu? Sure I distrust the guy, and don't particularly like him… Oh, fine, maybe I was a little jealous when he was staying with Lord Cao Cao… But still! Why me? Why couldn't I get the standard I-want-to-be-the-best-warrior-I-can-be story like Zhang Liao and Xu Huang? Instead I have to have this weird fixation on Guan Yu…" He fixed an accusatory glare on Liu Bei's brother.

"I think you like him," said Zhang Liao.

"What?" Xiahou Dun whirled to face him. "Oh I see, you're sore over being a frenchy again, so you're taking it out on me!"

"Nothing of the sort," said Zhang Liao. "I'm just telling it as it is. Koei wanted to add more drama, and you're a victim."

While Xiahou Dun had been answering the questionnaire, Sima Yi had been mulling over Zhuge Liang's behavior of the past few minutes. The Wei strategist remarked to Zhou Yu, "It's not like Zhuge Liang to be spiteful towards people over petty rivalries. I think I see what he's up to."

Zhou Yu glared mistrustfully in Zhuge Liang's direction. "Of course he's up to something! He's always up to something. I'll bet he's found a way to mess with our answers."

"What?" Liu Bei turned towards them. "What do you mean? Are you still angry over that poem, you two? Listen, I'm writing down your replies exactly as you say them. Kongming can't possibly be altering your answers."

"Oh yes he is!" declared Sima Yi. "He's trying to make us vote him out of the next Dynasty Warriors!"

"Good! Let's!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

Zhou Yu was confused. "Why would he want to be out of the game?"

"Because he's not as great in it as he was in the novel," sneered Sima Yi.

Zhuge Liang shook his head. "That's not the reason. Sima Yi, look at what they've done to you; can you honestly tell me you want to appear in future Dynasty Warriors titles?"

Sima Yi frowned at this reminder of what had been done to his character. He fingered the fancy material of his purple robe, which he could not deny bore a strong resemblance to a dress. Seeing his reflection in the amused stares of the people around him, he sighed.

Zhang He noted Sima Yi's apparent depression, and in an effort to cheer him exclaimed, "Do not worry. I am sure that in the next game, you will be even more beautiful! Perhaps almost as beautiful as me!" With this incredibly generous compliment issued, he posed, butterflies flying up around him to emphasize his beauty.

Sima Yi looked more depressed than ever. "… Yes, you're quite right," he admitted to Zhuge Liang. "But it's better to be in the game and be humiliated, if it makes people read the novel, than to be forgotten and fade away into obscurity."

Zhuge Liang was about to answer when Cao Cao snapped, "Why wouldn't you want to be in it? What's gotten into you two? Look, much as I despise you both, we can't have the game without you."

Yuan Shao nodded. "I agree. There must be others who are not so great around, in order for my greatness to appear more glorious!"

Cao Cao scowled. "Somebody shut him up!"

Liu Bei cleared his throat. "Everyone! Listen, please. I know some of us aren't happy with the way our personalities, our histories, and our looks have changed. But the fact is, all of us together make Dynasty Warriors. So please, instead of backing out of this series, let's all work together to improve it into something we're proud to be a part of!"

"My lord, I agree with your sentiment," said Zhuge Liang, "but I must warn you that we are not likely to improve this series with our input. Koei has a formula that works for their fan base; they are unlikely to make any effort to significantly change the style of the games. After five installments, this should be clear enough."

Xiahou Dun said to Zhang Liao, "That means you'll be French for the rest of your existence."

"Shut up, damn it!" snapped Zhang Liao. "We'll see about that. At least I don't have some pathetic obsession with Guan Yu."

Xiahou Dun snorted. "Pathetic, am I? Here's a suggestion for the next game, Liu Bei. I hear some fans want Zhang Liao to do the cancan."

Zhang Liao's eyes widened. "Oh, hell! How did you hear about that?" He scowled darkly. "These blasted fangirls…"

"At least that idea's not in a fanfic," Cao Cao reassured his officer.

"Yet," added Dun ominously.

Sun Ce piped up, "I hope someone writes one. I think it would be funn—ulp!" He gasped. Zhang Liao's halberd was pointed at his throat. It flashed through Sun Ce's mind that with his neatly trimmed mustache quivering in fury beneath his fiery glare, Zhang Liao looked more French now than ever; but he thought it wise not to say it at that particular moment.

Cao Cao, meanwhile, said in an undertone to Xiahou Dun, "Actually, it would be pretty funny. Can you imagine…?"

He hadn't really thought about it before, but now Xiahou Dun had a vision of Zhang Liao doing the cancan, kicking up his legs in a frilly war skirt. He started snickering.

Liu Bei thought it was funny, too, and wrote it down under suggestions for the next game.

Zhang Liao, having finished his intimidation of Sun Ce (who promptly coughed out "frenchy" when his back was turned), focused his attention on Cao Cao and said, "Not you too, my lord. How would it reflect on you if one of your generals –" He stopped at the sound of Liu Bei's pen scribbling. "—wait a minute! Liu Bei, did you write that down? Give me that questionnaire!"

Liu Bei held it away. "It was a legitimate suggestion!"

"Legitimate my ass!" cried Zhang Liao. "Give it to me before I rip you to pieces!"

"No." Protected by an imposing Guan Yu and a drunk, but nonetheless dangerous Zhang Fei, Liu Bei held the questionnaire away.

Zhang Liao snarled, "Give it to me or I'll request Koei have you dance with your brothers like you did in DW3!"

Zhang Fei and Guan Yu cried out, "Nooooooo!"

"Hahahahahaaa!" Zhou Yu grinned. "I want to add that as one of my requests! That was a wonderful ending for the Shu team, wouldn't you say Zhuge Liang? You people seem to like dancing."

Zhuge Liang answered coolly, "Lu Xun did it better."

Sun Quan frowned. "Poor Lu Xun… He's been sorely abused by the fangirls. Though he does look pretty sexy with his midriff showing," he added as an afterthought.

Sun Ce and Jian whirled to face him. "Excuse me?"

"What?" Sun Quan noted the shocked expressions on their faces, and quickly amended, "No – I don't mean to me. I mean to the fangirls! What are you thinking?"

Cao Cao stroked his beard thoughtfully. "Hmm. I always wondered about you… Especially after seeing you and Zhou Tai… That weird scene where you were touching his face. It looked like you were going to kiss him."

Sun Quan glared. "I was checking out his scars, dammit! He got injured rescuing me!"

Cao Pi smirked malevolently. "I think the keywords here are 'checking out.'"

"Back to the dancing," said Liu Bei. "How many people want to see Zhang Liao do the cancan?"

Zhang Liao had hoped the matter forgotten. He glared murderously at the Shu leader. "Liu Bei, I swear I will kill you for this. Guan Yu, old friend, will you not support me?"

Guan Yu sighed and looked at Liu Bei. "Brother…"

"Objection heard and noted," Liu Bei said briskly. "Now, how many?" He looked around cheerfully.

A dozen or so hands went up, but several of these went down again as Zhang Liao cast a fierce glare around the room.

"Frankly," said Cao Cao, "I'd like to see Liu Bei's beloved Zhao Yun and Zhuge Liang's incompetent apprentice Jiang Wei make fools of themselves doing that stupid dance they did at the end of DW4."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "We do seem to have an exceptional amount of dancing on our side…"

Liu Bei brightened and exclaimed, "Oh, that dance! You know, I wanted to join in, but I was out practicing archery that day. I was so upset I missed it! A chance to dance with my Zhao Yun…"

Guan Yu and Zhuge Liang were embarrassed. "My lord!"

"Does Zhao Yun know about this?" added Guan Yu to Zhuge Liang. "Does he have any idea about elder brother's… ah…"

"Zilong can be mercifully oblivious at times," replied Zhuge Liang quietly, "which is most fortunate since—" He stopped as he noticed Liu Bei happily scribbling something on the questionnaire. Taking a closer glance, and seeing what it was, he snatched Liu Bei's hand and held it firmly away from the paper.

"Do _not_ request Koei to make us dance again, my lord," he said sternly. "Not anyone on the Shu side. Ever. Or you will have a rebellion on your hands, you hear?"

Liu Bei blinked at him. "What do you mean? What fear do I have of a rebellion when I have such faithful officers on my side? You, my brothers, my beloved Zhao Yun…" His voice trailed away as he noticed the cold stares on the faces of his brothers and advisor. Guan Yu and Zhang Fei folded their arms. Zhuge Liang maintained a firm grip on his hand.

"Brother, if you request us to dance again I'm going to rejoin Cao Cao," announced Guan Yu.

Liu Bei gasped. "But the oath!"

Guan Yu's eyebrows bristled darkly. "… no dancing."

Liu Bei sighed. "Fine," he conceded, and Zhuge Liang released him. "We of Shu request that there be no more dancing… Except for Zhang Liao and the cancan."

"Hey!" cried Zhang Liao.

Cao Cao remarked, "Grand as it is to see Liu Bei humiliated, I'm happy enough not having to watch him and his brothers dance again. That scene was enough to give me nightmares…"

Zhang Fei shook his head and burped. "Um… urp… if I were… ugh, sober enough to catch… hic… half of what was being said… urp… I'd be pissed, wouldn't I?"

Liu Bei glanced at his drunken brother and, worried that he might lose his temper and start a brawl, sent Guan Yu to escort Zhang Fei someplace to sober up.

Xiahou Dun was growing impatient. "Can we get on with those questions?"

"Yes," said Liu Bei. "Now, Xiahou Dun, what improvements could be made to your character?"

"Just get rid of the stupid Guan Yu obsession and I'm set."

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?"

Xiahou Dun sneered. "The women."

"What?" exclaimed all the women in the room, and Zhang He.

Zhen Ji glanced at Zhang He with a frown. "You don't count, butterfly boy."

Zhang He replied, "I'm quite certain I am included in his remark."

"It's ridiculous to battle against fans and flutes!" declared Xiahou Dun. "And I'm including Zhuge Liang and Sima Yi in that comment! And the fruity ballerina, too!"

"You see?" said Zhang He to Zhen Ji.

Sima Yi bristled. "What? Are you saying—"

"What are you going to do about it?" snarled Xiahou Dun. "I feel embarrassed having our lord's strategist walk around in a dress."

"That does it! Zhang He!" Sima Yi turned to the elegant warrior.

"Yes!" said Zhang He.

Sima Yi held out his fan and posed dramatically. "Gracefully tear him apart for me!"

"Gladly!" Zhang He posed, and butterflies rose up around him. He bounded forward.

"Bring it on!" growled Xiahou Dun.

Zhuge Liang, after a moment of looking at Sima Yi in silent surprise, said, "I can't believe you just did that."

"… I know," said Sima Yi. "I am in pain."

Cao Pi spoke up. "Sima Yi, you shouldn't worry so much. There's a reason people think Wei is cooler than Wu or Shu."

Sima Yi turned to him. "What is that reason, according to you?"

Cao Pi smirked. "Well, half of it _is_ me. The rest is a combination of our bishounen warriors and Zhen Ji. I suppose Xiahou Dun has his set of fans, too. Our only real weakness is Xu Zhu. If we could find a way to get rid of him, we'd be in fine shape."

Cao Ren turned a disapproving look on the young lord. "That is an uncharitable way to feel towards one who daily risks his life to protect your father."

Cao Pi shrugged and gestured at Cao Ren. "Oh, and him, too. No one likes a midget."

"What?" Cao Ren glowered at him.

Xiahou Dun and Zhang He were battling furiously, and Cao Cao shouted at them, "Stop it! Both of you! Xiahou Dun, I've had enough of your belligerence. If you must start a fight, do it with someone on the Shu side! Preferably Zhuge Liang or Liu Bei. Especially Liu Bei! In fact, start a fight with Liu Bei and I'll give you a promotion!"

"Now, now!" objected Sun Quan. "I know we're all enemies here, but let's finish the question sheet, or we'll lose this opportunity to influence the next game. I'm drawing the next name."

"Xiahou Dun still has two questions left," pointed out Zhuge Liang.

"… so he does," acknowledged Liu Bei. "Xiahou Dun, would you do a romantic scene?"

"Hah!" barked Xiahou Dun.

"So, is that a…"

"I'd sooner pluck out my other eye."

Zhang Liao, still sore over the cancan comments, put in, "Not that that's saying much—"

"Shut up!" snarled Xiahou Dun. "No. I wouldn't. Ever."

Liu Bei continued, "And, if you had to be paired up with someone of the same—"

"Finish that question and I'll kill you."

"…"

Zhuge Liang leaned over and suggested quietly to Liu Bei, "This may be an opportunity to cause some problems for Wei. My Lord, put down Guan Yu."

Liu Bei glanced uncertainly at him as he surreptitiously acted on that suggestion. "Is this part of a plot you have, or just for fun?" he asked in an undertone.

"Hm, a bit of both perhaps," replied Zhuge Liang, with a mischievous glance towards Xiahou Dun.

Pang Tong poked his fellow strategist. "Instigator."

"Shh…" chided Zhuge Liang.

Meanwhile, on the topic of the yaoi question, Zhou Yu and Sima Yi were glumly cursing Koei for even including it.

"It's a warning of bad things to come!" declared Zhou Yu. "They wouldn't ask it unless they intend to—"

"I don't want to hear anything more about it," said Cao Cao. "Forget yaoi. What I want to know is, why isn't there any yuri fanfiction out there?"

"Yuri?" echoed Liu Bei.

"Yes. You know, women with women," said Cao Cao.

Xiahou Dun sneered. "With Sima Yi and Zhang He, what's the difference anyway?"

"Argh!" Sima Yi stomped his foot in annoyance. "I am getting so sick of this, you irritating—" He stopped speaking as he noticed that he was shaking his fan at Xiahou Dun. Disgustedly he threw it away, glaring murderously at Zhuge Liang. He left the room briefly, and returned with a sword. "Ah… much better," he said, examining the edge of the blade and noting that it was quite sharp.

"It doesn't match your dress," criticized Zhou Yu.

At this insult, Sima Yi stepped forward and pointed the sword at the Wu strategist's throat. Zhou Yu shrugged and laid a hand on the hilt of his own sword. "As if you can even use that thing," he said.

"Oh, I can use it well enough!" Sima Yi frowned deeply, turning to face Zhuge Liang. "I have been to a battlefield before, though everyone seems to forget that… And it is because of you!" He pointed the sword at the Shu strategist.

Zhuge Liang shrugged. "You blame me for Koei's decisions?"

"Yes, in part I do. You know Zhuge Liang, you always were a better strategist than me; it wasn't something I ever had any doubts about. But while never being your equal, I also never adopted the peculiar and entirely impractical habits you did – carrying a fan around everywhere, being wheeled around in a carriage like a king over the battlefield. You could get away with it because you were just that talented; but viewed objectively, it's all rather silly. So what I want to know is… Why must I suffer for your quirks? You carried a fan, so by default I must have one too? It makes me look like an idiot! A poor copy of you! What kind of fool carries a fan to the battlefield? And fights with one, for Heaven's sake? If I'm going to be on the field – and unlike you, I did participate in battles – I would like to have a weapon, not an ornament! Koei, are you listening? Liu Bei, write that down! Let Zhuge Liang keep his bizarre fan fetish and his wheelchair; but give me proper weaponry and some decent armor!"

Liu Bei was writing furiously to keep up with the pace of Sima Yi's rant. "You want that verbatim or is paraphrasing all right?"

"Paraphrase," said Zhuge Liang. "It's not a wheelchair."

"It's not?" said Liu Bei, surprised. This earned him a reproachful look from his strategist.

"Verbatim!" snapped Sima Yi. "And yes, it is a wheelchair. What else was that carriage for, if not to wheel you around because you were in poor health and couldn't get by otherwise? Or was it just for show? Or for comfort?"

"It was for show of course!" declared Zhou Yu, always eager to make disparaging remarks about his hated rival. "Nothing Zhuge Liang does is sincere. Why, the bastard wept at my funeral and made everyone think he was mourning my death when he was the one who killed me!"

Zhuge Liang turned to him. "Yes but you deserved it. You tried to kill me over and over again, for no other reason than that you were jealous."

"Sounds like a good reason to me," declared Cao Cao.

Liu Bei glared at him. "It would seem sufficient to you, wouldn't it?"

Sun Quan intervened. "All right everyone… let's not start a fight here. Now, before Xiahou Dun insulted Sima Yi, what were we talking about?"

"Yuri," said Cao Pi.

"Oh, yes! Yuri," said Cao Cao. "Yuri in fanfiction. Something steamy and incestuous with the two Qiaos… now that would be a worthwhile read!"

The Qiaos shrieked and pointed at Cao Cao. "Pervert!" cried Da Qiao.

"Ewww, gross!" added Xiao Qiao.

Zhou Yu's hand dropped to the hilt of his sword. "Cao Cao, how dare you insult my—"

Sun Ce was mumbling quietly to himself, "The two Qiaos… actually, that sounds kind of—"

Zhou Yu smacked him.

Sun Ce, rubbing his head, blinked. "Uh, ah – how dare you, Cao Cao! Jeez, you sicko." Aside, quietly, he added, "Hey Zhou Yu, maybe sometime we could, y'know, talk to the girls – oww! Okay, fine… or not."

"Moving on," said Liu Bei, "The next person is Yuan Shao."

Cao Cao groaned. "Oh, not that pompous fool. Do we really have to do this?"

"Yes, we do," said Sun Quan. "It's only fair that all of us answer. Now then, Yuan Shao – where is he?"

"After Cao Cao insulted him, he said he was too important for this meeting," said Zhang He. "I believe he's relaxing in the Wei office with a daiquiri."

"What? In my office? I'll kill him!" Cao Cao stormed towards the doors.

Liu Bei was worried for Yuan Shao. "Ah, Cao Cao, now we only want you to bring him back, not—"

"Shut up!" Cao Cao leveled his sword at him. "Or you'll be next. Xiahou Dun! Xu Zhu! With me!"

"Yes m'lord!" exclaimed Xiahou Dun.

"Durrr… O-kay," said Xu Zhu, waddling over.

Cao Cao sighed. "Oh… forget Xu Zhu. Zhang Liao!"

Zhang Liao came obediently to his side. "Yes, lord Cao Cao!"

"And no more taunts at Xiahou Dun!" added Cao Cao.

"Not to worry, my lord. I'll walk on his blind side; he won't even notice me."

"Grrr!" Xiahou Dun turned snarling towards him.

Cao Cao snapped at them, "Behave, you two, and come with me!" He marched out of the room.

"We'd better take some steps to ensure that Yuan Shao is alive for the next installment," said Zhou Yu, once Cao Cao was gone.

Sun Quan turned to him. "Do we really have to?"

"We can't have the game without him," said Zhou Yu. "Koei's made him into a caricature, a stuck-up, pompous ass. Having him around adds a bit of variation and makes the rest of us look better."

"Whoa. Nice evaluation of his role," said Sun Ce. "You got it all figured out, huh?"

Zhou Yu shrugged. He gave some instructions to the Qiao sisters, and after sending them away after Cao Cao he replied, "It's basically what Luo Guanzhong did to me in the novel – made me a jealous and spiteful fool so that Zhuge Liang would seem godlike by comparison."

"Sucks to be you," observed Sun Ce.

"Not anymore it doesn't," declared Sima Yi. "In the novel I was competent, cunning, and wholly independent of Zhuge Liang. In the games I'm his goddamned evil Wei shadow. I get the Zhou Yu treatment."

Zhou Yu smiled. "Isn't it nice how it works? Either way, we're both screwed over because of him."

Zhuge Liang murmured to Liu Bei, "My lord, excuse me but I think I'm going to depart before the anti-Liang sentiment gets any stronger…"

"Leaving so soon, Zhuge Liang?" said Zhou Yu, who hadn't failed to notice that with Guan Yu and Zhang Fei gone, his hated rival had no protection. "We can make sure you don't appear in the next game… or in any game in the future, ever, except maybe as a ghost or a corpse."

"… You're too thoughtful," said Zhuge Liang. "I'm sorry to be rude, but I have some pressing matters to attend to."

"I think it's about time you got your comeuppance," said Zhou Yu, gesturing at Sun Ce to block the doors. "This will be sweet."

Zhuge Liang sighed. "You really don't know me better than that, after all these years?" He counted down on his fingers. "Three… two… one…"

The doors burst open, and Zhao Yun and Jiang Wei rushed in.

Sima Yi scowled. "Don't you hate it when he does that? Letting you think you've outsmarted him until he pulls some stunt at the end…"

"Another has fallen to my spear!" cried Zhao Yun.

"What? No one fell!" said Sun Ce.

"But I sound cool saying it," said Zhao Yun. He turned to Liu Bei. "My lord! I am here, at your command."

Tears were streaming down Liu Bei's face as he joyfully cried, "Zhao Yun!"

Zhao Yun was a little taken aback by his lord's enthusiasm at his arrival, and looked askance at him.

"Prime Minister, make your escape!" said Jiang Wei, whom Zhuge Liang had once again accepted as a decent protégé now that he had lost the faux Chinese accent. "His Imperial Highness is waiting for you to return and deliver a report to him."

Zhuge Liang, who had been heading towards the doors, halted in his tracks. "Liu Shan is?" he exclaimed. After a fraction of a second of reflection, he decided, "Oh, nevermind it then. Zhou Yu, Sima Yi, whatever you were about to do, just go ahead and—"

"No!" said Liu Bei. "I can't allow you to sacrifice yourself that way. Go and guide my son with your infinite wisdom!"

Zhuge Liang frowned. "Well no, I'd really rather stay here and be a victim of a painful and bloody end. Chances are it's better than—"

"How selfless you are, trying to sacrifice yourself here for Shu! But don't worry, we'll cover your retreat. Get going! Liu Shan is waiting! He needs you!" Liu Bei rushed over and shoved Zhuge Liang out the doors. He smiled to himself as he shut them. "Heh heh, wonderful! I can leave the misery of babysitting my heir to my strategist. Zhao Yun! I feel so confident now that you are with me!"

The doors opened again, and Liu Bei looked up with concern on his face, thinking maybe Zhuge Liang was trying to return. He relaxed when he saw it was only Cao Cao.

"I thought I saw the little Qiao heading this way," the Wei leader was mumbling to himself. "Oh… Liu Bei. You're the very last person whose face I wanted to see. Quit giving me that hurt look! Everything about you annoys me."

"Where's Yuan Shao?" queried Liu Bei.

"Yuan Shao?" Cao Cao blinked. "Oh, that's right. I left to go after him, didn't I? Forgot all about that, what with the Qiao sisters…"

Da Qiao led Yuan Shao into the room.

"Everyone, you may relax; I have arrived," declared the noble Yuan Shao.

Liu Bei looked up. "Oh good. We've been waiting for you—"

"Naturally," interrupted Yuan Shao haughtily.

The Shu leader was forgiving enough to overlook his rudeness, and said, "Now then, Yuan Shao—"

Yuan Shao looked around. "Does someone call my name? Who is it that addresses me?"

"… Me, Liu Bei."

"Hmph." Yuan Shao turned away from him. "The mat-weaver called Liu Bei is too humble to speak to so great a person as I."

"Why you arrogant—" began Zhao Yun, but Liu Bei interrupted him gently.

"It's all right. There's no sense in feeling ire against someone who only lives through the first few battles of the game, anyway. Cao Cao, why don't you read the questions?"

"All right," agreed Cao Cao, giving up his pursuit of the Qiaos, as it was evident now that he would not be able to catch them. "Yuan Shao, what's the worst aspect of the game, other than your pompous self appearing in it too frequently?"

Yuan Shao sniffed. "Cao Cao, these petty remarks are unworthy of you, though I suppose it is to be expected when so many are jealous of my greatness. The worst aspect of the game is the inclusion of lowborn riffraff like Liu Bei."

Cao Cao stroked his beard. "Hm. Can't argue with that."

Liu Bei frowned.

"What is the best aspect of the game?" asked the Wei leader.

"My inclusion." Yuan Shao held his head high. "Gamers are drawn by my power."

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "I see… And how do you feel about your character?"

"There is nothing not to like about my character. My lineage and my noble manner could be emphasized more. It is important to impress the players with my full magnificence."

"If you were half as magnificent as you think you are you would have successfully united China," muttered Sun Quan.

"Right… let's try and get through this quickly. The man's overweening ego is beginning to annoy me," said Cao Cao. "Yuan Shao, what improvements could be made to your character? If I may make some suggestions… I'll just write them down here." He began scribbling disparaging remarks, and paid no heed whatsoever to Yuan Shao's reply.

Yuan Shao, oblivious to Cao Cao's doings, answered, "As the most renowned and powerful man in the time of the waning Han, I should have great power in the game. I should be much nobler looking than Liu Bei or Cao Cao."

"Hah!" barked Cao Cao.

"Um… Pardon me, but you must write down his answers faithfully," said Liu Bei to the Wei leader.

"What?" exclaimed Yuan Shao. "Cao Cao, are you altering my answers?"

Cao Cao scowled darkly at Liu Bei. "You mincing goody-two shoes… Mind your own business! Yuan Shao, I wrote down everything as you said it."

"But—" objected Liu Bei. He shut up when Zhang Liao and Xiahou Dun raised their weapons threateningly.

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary, who should we eliminate?" demanded Cao Cao.

Yuan Shao didn't hesitate. "Liu Bei and his brothers. They are mere commoners. Their so-called strategist is a farmer! How could such plain people compare to me?"

"I couldn't agree more," said Cao Pi, smirking.

Zhao Yun looked ready to puncture Yuan Shao with his spear.

Cao Cao wrote down that answer faithfully. He asked the next question: "Would you do a romantic scene with somebody?"

Yuan Shao frowned. "Pandering to fans, who are merely part of the masses, is beneath my dignity…"

Liu Bei couldn't take it. "The masses are the country! Don't you understand? Without the people, there is no meaning to nobility. We are here to serve them, not the other way ar—" He stopped, coughing, as the butt of Cao Cao's sword struck him in the stomach.

"My Lord!" Zhao Yun leapt forward with his spear ready.

Zhang Liao blocked his attack, and Cao Cao snapped, "Calm yourself, Zhao Yun! I didn't do any harm… just wanted him to shut up about the bloody people. Heard enough of that in the games… Now mind your own and keep your lord quiet so I can get through these questions. Yuan Shao, last one. If you had to be paired up with someone of the same sex—"

"This ridiculous question ought to be stricken from the list," said Yuan Shao. He lifted his chin proudly. "I do not deign to respond to it."

"All right, then…" Cao Cao smirked to himself and put down, "Meng Huo."

_(A/N: Requests for the next folks to answer the questionnaire? After all the wonderful reviews for the first part, I'm sorry this part isn't better... I'll try to make part III funnier. My humble apologies, all._

_Adamantina: Oh my God that battle scene... (groans) Sheep of DOOM indeed! That's a perfect way to describe it. Heh, I'd include more references to the TV series if I thought people had seen it. There's just so much material there... You're absolutely right about Guo Jia, too. Poor fellow. :P I think he's got to show up in the games eventually. He made it into Dynasty Tactics, after all._

_HarborRat: Thank you for the encouragement! It's nice to hear it from such a good author. _

_Shen Xia: If only the Dynasty Warriors could read your comment, heh heh. I might make a reference to it later. _

_Sinny of Yellowboze, and everyone else who thinks Zhuge Liang is funny: Thank you! He's gotten horribly OOC, I think, what with that attitude he's developing. :P I can't seem to keep him in line. I'm glad you enjoyed all the trouble he's been stirring up! _

_Everyone who's revewied, you encourage me to keep writing. I want to swear up and down that chapter 3 will be funnier, but I can't guarantee that. I need to come up with something spontaneous and new. I think the more I write, the tougher it's going to get... But I'll do my best. Any particular segment that works for you or doesn't... let me know. It helps for me to know what people find funny.)_


	3. Lu Bu and Zhang He

_(AN: Okay, warning and disclaimer: this chapter is horribly unfunny. Not sure why. It just wasn't turning out right. But for continuity's sake, or something, I'm posting it anyway. So... you have been warned. I think the Wu part, which comes next, might be better, but I'm not sure yet. Maybe I'm losing my touch, eh? I think a lack of new material is the problem. I need a new DW, or something.)_

Yuan Shao, having finished his questions, decided he was too important to remain for the rest of the meeting, and left. Cao Cao started to draw another name, but at that moment Lu Bu charged in.

"Who decided to call a meeting without me?" he roared. "And what is wrong with the parking lot? It's like a goddamned maze! I had to tear apart a half dozen vehicles to get here."

Cao Cao glared at Liu Bei. "Your strategist wasn't practicing that Eightfold Array thing again, was he?"

Liu Bei heaved a sigh. "He says if he can do it with cars, he can do it with trains. Don't ask me what the purpose of such a thing is… sometimes my strategist's thoughts are beyond me."

"It had better be my turn next!" announced Lu Bu.

Liu Bei said, "Now now Lu Bu, we all are waiting patiently for our names to be drawn. It wouldn't be fair if—"

Lu Bu stomped threateningly towards him and raised his halberd.

Liu Bei sweatdropped. "… say, look at that. You're next, Lu Bu."

Cao Cao snorted. "Right, on with the questions. Lu Bu, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

"I should be stronger! I was nearly invincible in DW3, less so in DW4. Now, it's standard fare for players to defeat me. What gives? I ought to be able to tear them limb from limb! I want an insta-kill move!"

"And I want my insta-kill move from DW3 back, but we can't have everything, can we?" replied Cao Cao. "Right, so what's the best aspect of the game?"

"My musou mode. It kicks ass. I rock! And my ending is sweet."

"Oh ho?" Cao Cao's eyebrows lifted.

Liu Bei was surprised. "You really like your ending, Lu Bu? I thought it was very touching, but… it didn't seem the sort of thing you'd normally go for."

Lu Bu shrugged. "Honestly, I can't remember it. I get so bored with all those damn cut scenes. But I assume it's sweet, because anyone who thinks it isn't won't live long enough to complain about it!"

Cao Cao had been about to make a snide remark, but wisely thought the better of it. "… an effective enough philosophy," he acknowledged. "Right, that's all. We'll turn these in to Koei, and hopefully they'll make some improvements to your character."

Liu Bei looked askance at the Wei leader, but said nothing.

"They'd better!" snapped Lu Bu, and left.

Once he had gone, the Shu leader said to Cao Cao, "Why didn't you let him finish the questionnaire?"

Cao Cao growled, "Do _you_ want to ask him who he'd do a yaoi scene with?"

"… right. Good point."

Cao Cao smirked. "I'll let Yuan Shao ask him. I'll just tell him only he is noble enough to be entrusted with this task, and Koei doesn't have enough faith in me to let me do it… that ought to have amusing results."

"Now, Cao Cao," began Liu Bei reproachfully, "you know that isn't nice—"

"Oh, spare me! If you didn't have your stupid strategists to advise you better, I'd have sent _you_ to your imminent dismemberment, instead. Now pipe down. Next person…" He drew a name. "Gan Ning."

"Wait a moment," said Sun Quan. "Gan Ning is a Wu officer. Let me take down his answers."

"No. I'm the one with the questionnaire," said Cao Cao. "I'll do it."

"I don't trust you."

"Please, both of you," said Liu Bei. "Can't we just get alo—"

"Shut up!" snapped Cao Cao and Sun Quan, simultaneously.

"We'll just do our answers separately," Sun Quan decided. "Everyone, I'm moving our meeting to the Wu office!"

"Fine!" growled Cao Cao. "Same here. All officers, with me!" As Sima Yi tried to join the line of Wei officers, Cao Cao kicked him. "Get out of here, you Jin Dynasty traitor!"

Later, in the Wei office, Cao Cao and some of his officers sat down to finish the questionnaire. A few were missing – Xu Zhu was still walking, making very poor time, and had covered about half the distance to the office that Cao Cao had usurped from disgruntled Samurai Warriors. Pang De had run into Ma Chao, and the two had gotten into a scuffle which Cao Ren had unwisely tried to intervene in. Zhang Liao had gone to visit a barber, muttering something about his contract, mustache upkeep, and "maintaining the blasted French look." Xiahou Dun suspected that Liao secretly enjoyed it, because he had caught the fearsome warrior stroking the tip of his neatly trimmed mustache once or twice.

Before Cao Cao could begin the questionnaire, Cao Pi drew him aside. "Father, I have some ideas for Wei's future…"

"Oh?" said Cao Cao. "What ideas?"

"Koei focuses far too much on Shu. But I have a way to earn the fans to our side. And Koei, being the company that it is, will pander to its fans' desires."

"Indeed? What is this plan of yours?"

"In the first place, we must get rid of Xu Zhu!"

Cao Cao frowned. "But Xu Zhu is—"

"A fat, slow tub of lard with the wit of a pumpkin."

"…" Cao Cao tried to come up with something to say in the warrior's defense, but his mind drew a blank.

"Look at this screenshot of him, father." Cao Pi typed a url into the office computer, and an image of Xu Zhu rolling on the ground after his musou appeared. "He's a joke to players everywhere."

Cao Cao, after a long look at him, heaved a sigh. "You're right. He _is_ a joke. I hate Koei for doing this to him. Very well, we ask to strike him out of the game. What else?"

"Also, Cao Ren."

"Cao Ren!"

Cao Pi nodded. "I told you, no one likes a midget. How many people pick Cao Ren to play as? Would you?"

"Well, no…" admitted Cao Cao.

"He wasn't even that remarkable in the novel."

"But… couldn't we just make him taller, and a bit slimmer, and, well… I suppose if we must, for those blasted fangirls… more bishounen?"

Cao Pi shook his head. "It's too late for that. Besides… can you really picture him as a bishounen?"

Cao Cao furrowed his brow, trying hard to imagine it. "Gah! No… I keep ending up with a mental picture of him in a bikini. Wrong! Wrong in so many ways! Very well… Let's say we replace less popular warriors such as Xu Chu and Cao Ren. But with who?"

"Guo Jia."

"Ah yes!" Cao Cao brightened. "Guo Jia! Why, if Guo Jia were at my side, what would I have to fear?"

"Well… yaoi fangirls," said Cao Pi. He added under his breath, "Whom I'm beginning to think may have some basis for their—"

"What's that, boy?" Cao Cao glared.

"… nothing. I just said that Guo Jia has a small fan following already. And he was popular in Dynasty Tactics."

"Oh yes!" said Sima Yi. "Guo Jia would be perfect. Then _he_ could wear the dress, and I could be revised into something more dignified, a la tactics."

Cao Pi shrugged. "… Guo Jia was more popular than you were in tactics."

"That's debatable," said Sima Yi. "And, he's also treading that fine line between bishounen and… well, look at what happened to me. I'd rather have my goatee and a _spear_. No more fan nonsense!"

Zhang He posed next to him. "But it looks so beautiful with your dress!"

Sima Yi scowled. "And no more fruity scenes with Zhang He!"

Zhang He smiled. "If I were a fruit, I'd be a plum… it's my color."

Cao Cao sighed. "Make a note Cao Pi… we've got to do something about him."

"Well father, he's rather popular."

"And while I'm making notes…" continued Cao Cao, "what in the blazes are you doing listening in on our conference, Sima Yi? Traitor! Scoundrel! You're no part of the Wei kingdom!"

Sima Yi folded his arms. "As far as Koei and all our fans are concerned, I am."

Cao Cao slammed his fist on the table. "Bah! I will not tolerate the presence of the man who overthrew my—"

"Actually father," intervened Cao Pi, "the tension between Sima Yi and us makes for some great drama that the fans like. So for the purposes of our discussion let's include him. His scheming against us actually works in our favor, as far as games are concerned."

Cao Cao was appalled. "But… my empire!"

_You mean _my _Empire_, thought Cao Pi. "We can't rewrite history… unless we do it by convincing the fans to demand more of us. So, Sima Yi, any further suggestions?"

"As a matter of fact, yes…" said Sima Yi. "I believe we should work not only on bettering Wei's image, but on sabotaging Shu's. I have some excellent ideas for…" He whispered in a low voice.

Cao Cao's eyes widened in horror. "Fake fan websites dedicated to three brothers' yaoi? My God… that's brilliant. If it fools Koei into having sappy quasi-romantic scenes between the brothers, nobody will play on the Shu side ever again! But…" He shuddered.

Sima Yi nodded. "Yes, I realize it's tasteless and utterly disturbing, but something like that could damage Shu's reputation beyond repair. Also… we have one key player on their team who we can always count on, if we can only get Koei to take more notice of him."

"Who?" asked the Wei leader.

Cao Cao and Cao Pi looked at each other. Simultaneously, they exclaimed, "Liu Shan!"

Sima Yi snickered. "Precisely. I've already spoken to him, and convinced him to beg Koei to put him in the next game. Also, I wrote a false letter from Zhuge Liang, eloquently explaining that to retain historical accuracy, Liu Shan must appear in all Three Kingdoms games after Liu Bei's death. Otherwise, it looks as if Zhuge Liang seized power."

Cao Pi chuckled. "Beautiful. Well, I think we have our Shu sabotage well under way. Back to the matter of replacing less popular characters… Guo Jia would be fitting, and to replace Cao Ren I believe… a woman."

Cao Cao frowned. "What? Another female? Aren't there enough damned women trying to kill me in the game already?"

"Excuse me?" said Zhen Ji.

"Present company excepted, of course. And, I suppose if she's tastefully dressed… Less is more, that sort of thing, then it might be worth it. I know! How about one of my wives? Yes! Then I could have a steamy sex scene with her—"

"Uuuugh!" Cao Pi and Zhen Ji exchanged nauseated looks.

"What?" Cao Cao glowered at them. "Oh please, where do you think you came from, you glory hogging brat? You think you're more of a stud than I am?"

"Frankly father—"

"Well, you're not!"

"I think this discussion is over. I really don't want to talk about your sex life."

"You're just fortunate you have such a virile father. If your mother and I had decided not to rub each other down in our little bubble bath together that night—"

"Father!"

Cao Cao noticed that his other officers were trying hard not to hear him. He decided to let the matter go, and said more contritely, "What woman in particular were you thinking of?"

"Your daughter."

"What?" All the lovely images of scantily clad dancers shattered in Cao Cao's mind. He grimaced. Just like his son to go deflating his dreams like that. Stupid offspring.

Cao Pi explained, "Well, it's not like there are many remarkable women in the novel to choose from. So, it might as well be one of your daughters. You do have daughters, don't you father?"

"Of course! I fathered enough children to populate a small village… and that's only counting the legitimate ones. But what is wrong, may I ask, with a wife, instead of a daughter?"

_The fact that I'll do anything _not _to have to see you in a steamy sex scene_, thought Cao Pi, eyelid twitching. He sighed and said, "Gamers prefer eligible young women. Not middle-aged wives."

"She doesn't have to be middle-aged! You don't think I filled my pavilion with frumpy women, do you? Young girls! Qiao age! Sumptuous and nubile—"

"I have a feeling that won't endear the fans to us," Cao Pi said quickly. "A daughter, someone of your own blood, would be much better."

Cao Cao grumbled.

Sima Yi smirked at him. "I suppose if it's your daughter you don't want her skimpily dressed?"

The Wei ruler considered that for a moment. "Well… I'd still prefer she be, shall we say, _stylishly_ clothed, in as little as possible. Just don't go telling anybody…"

"Ugh…" Cao Pi shook his head. "Believe me I _won't_. That's just the sort of information we don't need to have leaking…"

Zhen Ji arched a delicate eyebrow. "Why so appalled, my lord? I thought you always knew your father was a pervert. I've known since the time he grabbed my ass at a dinner party."

"Father!" growled Cao Pi.

Cao Cao rolled his eyes. "Oh, please. Don't pretend to be surprised."

Zhang He said thoughtfully, "One time someone grabbed my ass…"

"That wasn't me!" exclaimed Cao Cao.

"Me either!" added Sima Yi, as suspicious glances were shot in his direction. "Don't look at me like that!"

"I was aiming for Zhen Ji…" muttered Cao Pi.

Cao Cao was appalled. "What! How could you mistake Zhang He for Zhen Ji? You grabbed a male ass instead of a female one! Aaauugh! You are not my son!"

_Leave it to the old man to blow things out of proportion._ "Oh, pipe down, father…" said Cao Pi. "You're embarrassing me."

"As long as you didn't like it…. You didn't, did you?"

"Of course not."

Zhang He was offended. "What's not to like about it?"

This was all too much for Xiahou Dun. He snapped, "The fact that it's a man's ass in woman's clothing! Why can't you just wear armor like a sensible, non-flaming warrior?"

"So I can look as tasteless and boring as you?" Zhang He turned to Sima Yi. "_You_ don't see anything wrong with it, do you?"

"…"

Zhang He looked at him expectantly.

"… yes well…" Sima Yi cleared his throat. "To each his own. We should not be squabbling amongst ourselves over fashion. Now, back to the matter at hand. We agree we want more females, and Guo Jia. We also would like to strike Cao Ren and Xu Zhu from our lineup."

"I agree!" exclaimed Zhang He. "We must make Wei the most beautiful country. Perhaps now we should get to that questionnaire."

"Good idea," said Cao Cao. "All right… you go first. Zhang He, what is the worst aspect of the game?"

The beautiful Zhang He gave an exaggerated shudder. "Ugh, so much ugliness! I would have to say Pang Tong… though Wei Yan is a close second. No! Dong Zhuo. And Meng Huo! Utterly unnecessary and truly repulsive! How I pity the player who must face them in battle! Come to think of it, Nanman is just an awful place in general. The heat makes me sweaty and unattractive, and ruins my makeup."

Everyone in the room sweatdropped. "… you wear makeup?"

"Just enough to highlight my natural gorgeousness," replied the warrior modestly.

Cao Cao scowled and thrust the question sheet at Cao Pi. "Here – _you_ take down his answers. If I do anymore I'm going to be sick. I can only take so much fruitcake at a time."

"But you tolerate Xu Zhu stumbling around a few miles behind you on the battlefield?" said Cao Pi, arching an eyebrow.

"As you say, a few miles _behind_ me," retorted Cao Cao. "I only have to put up with him for a cutscene and the first ten seconds of battle."

Cao Pi sighed and said to Zhang He, "What is the best aspect of the game?"

"Hmmm…." Zhang He, who had ignored the disparaging comments, gave an indulgent smile as he viewed himself in a mirror. He posed, and butterflies dazzled the Wei officers. "My beautiful face! My beautiful body." He turned around and did a graceful ballet bow. "My beautiful Sima…"

Sima Yi turned bright red, and became suddenly engrossed in examining a strategy book he had brought with him.

Cao Pi said, "How do you feel about your character?"

Zhang He's answer was short and simple this time. "Beautiful!"

Xiahou Dun's eye was twitching furiously. Cao Cao, afraid he might snap and start hacking at the beautiful warrior, poured him a drink and told him quietly to contain his temper.

Cao Pi went on dutifully, "What improvements could we make to your character?"

That one gave Zhang He pause. He considered, and said thoughtfully, "The one fault of perfection is, it leaves no room for improvement… But I would like a wider selection of outfits. Something easy to move in, something gracefully lethal. Maybe something sensual for the ladies."

"Ladies?" echoed everyone.

"Are you sure that's where your… er… interest lies?" said Cao Cao.

"… also, my troops must be more elegant! Like me! We must have more dances, before, during, and after the battles! And a great deal of posing—"

"Spare us!" snarled Xiahou Dun.

"—and another eye for Dun."

"Die."

"—or a fashionable patch."

"I will kill you!"

"If future cuts to the cast are necessary," said Cao Pi, putting an end to the squabble before it could get ugly (no pun intended), "who should we eliminate?"

Zhang He didn't even pause to think about that one. "Everybody ugly."

"Would you do a romantic scene with somebody?" said Cao Pi.

"Please say 'no,'" muttered Sima Yi.

But Zhang He was not cooperating with the strategist's pleas. "I suppose it would be morally wrong for me to deny that to the fans, wouldn't it? Beauty should be enjoyed by the whole world, and not kept hidden."

Sima Yi shuddered.

"Right," said Cao Pi, who was getting some amusement over the strategist's discomfort. He smirked as he read the last question, and eyed Sima Yi. "If you had to endure fan-based websites pairing you up with someone of the same gender, who would be your preference?"

"Can we skip this one?" said Sima Yi.

"No," said Cao Pi.

"I think we should skip this one."

"No."

"There is only one possible match…" said Zhang He.

Sima Yi mumbled, "Someone hang me…"

"My glorious and beautiful commander…"

"… kill me."

"Lord Cao Cao!" finished Zhang He.

"What!" cried Cao Cao.

"Hah!" barked Sima Yi.

Zhang He explained, "Well, I did choose to serve him because he is beautiful."

Cao Cao was frantic. "No! Blast you! You were supposed to say Sima Yi. I don't care what you say, I'm putting down Sima Yi!"

"Hey!" snapped Sima Yi.

There was a brief struggle over the questionnaire, which ended up in Zhen Ji's hands. While Sima Yi grumbled, Zhang He slid up to him and said quietly, "I thought he might do that… Commander, forced to consider such a question, I would have chosen you, but I knew you wouldn't like it, so I picked him instead, to save you embarrassment."

Sima Yi looked at his officer approvingly. "… thank you."

Zhang He waved a graceful hand. "Not at all."

_(Well, you can't say I didn't warn you in advance. Aha! I know what the problem is! I shouldn't have split the kingdoms up. That was a bad idea. It's more fun when they all insult each other. And where's my favorite smartass? The smug, better-than-thou, always ready with a poem Zhuge Liang? Oh wait... I left him with Liu Shan. Eh, sucks to be him. Maybe I'll write a little scene for him later. Up next, Wu kingdom! Hopefully it'll be sort of funny... but if not, you can always go back and reread Jeopardy. That's my favorite, anyway.) _


	4. The return of Liu Shan

_(AN: Huzzah! Next chapter! Umm... but... lame though it is for you Wu fans, I'm afraid Wu gets a bit overlooked here. I know it was supposed to be a Wu chapter, but I realized after I'd started it that I haven't beaten DW5 with enough Wu characters to actually write out a decent segment for them. So... my deepest apologies. I hope it's funnier than the previous chapter, anyway.)_

Meanwhile, in the Wu office…

"So, I'm calling this conference because I have noticed that while we do have our share of devoted fans, there are plenty of people who really couldn't care less about us," announced Sun Quan. "Certain authors have been neglecting us in their fanfics or skipping over us to include more of Wei or Shu."

"Yeah, but we have some authors who only write about us!" put in Sun Ce.

"True," said Zhou Yu, "but what do they write? ZY x SC, GN x SSX, LX x XQ… I could go on and on with the combination. Anyone who writes about Wu, _only_ writes about ridiculous couplings!"

Sun Ce looked offended. "What's so ridiculous about ZY x SC?"

"…" Zhou Yu stared at him.

"… wait, that's us isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Oh. Damn. But there's a XQ x DQ fic isn't there?"

"No," said Zhou Yu, "and even if there were, what would that have to do with anything?"

Sun Ce shrugged. "I just think it would be a cool fic…"

"Oh just… keep quiet. So, my lord, you were saying?"

Sun Quan cleared his throat. "Yes, so, we need to—"

The doors burst open, and Sun Jian strode in. "So, trying to make the Wu country into your own little show, eh? Step aside, son! I'm the founder here!"

Sun Quan scowled. "Dammit, father! _I_'m the one who actually matters in the novel!"

"Well as far as Koei games are concerned, you're _third_ in line. So go sit down and keep quiet while I lead the discussion."

Sun Quan grumbled and sat down.

Sun Ce spoke up. "Father, I have some ideas about this. Mind if I start?"

"Well… All right," said Sun Jian. "Fine, what is it?"

"Okay, so first of all, the fans just don't like Sun Quan."

"What?" Sun Quan was outraged.

"_Nobody_ likes him," said Sun Ce. "I mean, who plays as him? There are four members of the Sun family to choose from. You know who gets picked last each time?"

Sun Quan stomped his foot. "Not true!"

"Quan, that's who. I think we need to remedy, first of all, his incredibly dorky appearance."

"What is dorky about it?"

"The beard has got to go. A goatee? Fine. But that beard makes him look… I dunno, just retarded or something."

Sun Quan was red with fury. "Who are you to criticize, you… you…"

Sun Jian nodded thoughtfully. "I see what you are saying, Ce. It's true… Quan was never very popular. Even I don't like him very much."

Sun Quan whirled to face his father. "What?"

"Neither do I," added Sun Shang Xiang.

"Sister, you too?"

"What do you mean, 'you too'? You married me off to Liu Bei to gain a political advantage! You ordered my execution when you found I'd left with him! Don't think I never learned about that!"

"I was angry!" said Sun Quan defensively. "You're supposed to be willing to sacrifice anything for your family."

"Then why don't _you_ marry Liu Bei?" snapped Shang Xiang.

Sun Quan frowned. "Let's get serious here."

"Yeah," put in Sun Ce. "No one would ever marry Quan while he's got that beard."

"Ce! Ugh, I can't believe this… Fine, dammit! I'll ask Koei to change it in the next game!"

"I doubt they will," said Zhou Yu. "After all, you've had the same look time after time…"

Sun Ce offered helpfully, "Maybe he should, like… try for the bishounen thing?"

"No!" cried Sun Quan. "Not that. I refuse!"

"Why?"

"Because! Look at Lu Xun. I don't want to be a victim of the same sort of fandom…"

Sun Ce patted him cheerfully on the shoulder. "Don't worry. No one likes you enough for that to happen."

"… I hate you all."

Sun Jian eyed Lu Xun's midriff. "Hmm. I wonder if we dress Quan like that, show the ladies a little something more, will his popularity go up?"

Zhou Yu shook his head. "Not likely. Look at Huang Gai – he wears almost nothing, and nobody likes him."

Sun Ce grimaced. "I think that's _because_ he wears almost nothing. Which brings me to another point, father – we've got to do something about his lack of clothes. It's really sort of gross. I mean, for the player, having to look at him all the time."

Sun Jian nodded. "Agreed."

"But, like, we could put the Qiaos in swimsuits for their alternate outfits or something."

"Also agreed."

"Excuse me?" said Zhou Yu.

Sun Shang Xiang looked disgusted. "You men! You have no idea what it is that fangirls want. _I'll_ tell you how to make Wu popular!"

"How?" said Sun Ce.

"What do people like about us? The fact that we have lots of bishie boys, and the fact that we actually have more than one woman on our team! Girls like to play video games, too, and they don't want just men in the games. Women can fight just as well!"

"Or at least they like to think they can…" muttered Sun Quan.

"What was that?"

"Nothing…"

Sun Jian asked, "Who would you suggest, Shang Xiang? Other than you and the Qiao sisters, what important women do we have on our side?"

Shang Xiang mused, "There's always the Lady Dowager…"

"Oh GOD! Not mother!" exclaimed Quan.

"Oh GOD! Not my wife!" Sun Jian shuddered.

"Do you want to doom our nation?" cried Zhou Yu.

Shang Xiang was outraged at this reaction to mention of her mother. The room devolved into chaos.

_(Shu office) _

Meanwhile, in the Shu office, some of the uproar down the hall was audible. Zhang Fei took a swig of his wine and burped. "Thank goodness we aren't pansies like that Sun family, eh? Real men know how to teach women their place!"

Yue Ying glared at him. "If I didn't respect my husband's wishes to keep the peace I'd show you how women teach men to hold their tongues…"

"Urp… See what I mean? Yue Ying follows her husband's commands. That's how a good woman should be! He says shut up, she shuts up. He says bend over, she—"

Liu Bei grabbed Yue Ying and held her back. "He's drunk! He's drunk! Please, pay him no mind. Zhang Fei! Mind your manners!"

The Shu leader couldn't help wondering where his strategist was, and how long before he'd be back. Hopefully, he'd return before either his wife or the second brother ended up dead…

_(Imperial Palace, ChengDu) _

Within the imperial palace, Zhuge Liang had come (however unwillingly…) in answer to the Emperor's summons.

Liu Shan exclaimed happily, "Minister father!"

Zhuge Liang kowtowed. "Your Imperial Highness."

"Please stand up, minister father. No need for such formality. I am so happy to see you! There are some troubling matters I wish to discuss!"

Zhuge Liang frowned, remembering the last questions Liu Shan had asked him in court. "If they are not matters of state, perhaps Your Imperial Highness would be willing to accept this humble vassal's offer of dinner at my residence tonight. That way, we will be assured privacy, and no matter how inane your questions, I will be able to answer them. If we can get that out of the way, perhaps next time you hold an assembly of officers you will not need to ask them—"

Liu Shan interrupted with, "Will you be wearing pajamas?"

"Good Heavens no! My wife will be present, Sire, and—"

"I see! You don't want her to see you in your pajamas."

This was a bit too inane even for the brilliant Zhuge Liang to find any sort of sense behind it. He sighed. "… exactly Sire. You are exactly right. Now, as I was saying, my wife will be present, so—"

"So I shouldn't wear my pajamas, either!"

The Shu strategist rolled his eyes. "… Yes, Sire. And since my wife will be present, you will be able to send your guards away. I would rather they not be around to hear whatever unspeakable things you wish to say to me…" He shuddered at the recollection of the end to his last conversation with the Emperor.

Liu Shan nodded eagerly. "Oh, _things_! I wanted to talk to you about thingies."

_Oh, God…_ thought Zhuge Liang. "… yes, Sire. Tonight, we'll discuss all of that." He was much disturbed by how excited Liu Shan looked, and wondered if he'd made a terrible mistake…

Later, at the Prime Minister's residence, Liu Shan arrived and Zhuge Liang dismissed the guards. When they were alone except for Yue Ying, Liu Shan said cheerfully, "Did you know I got new pajamas?"

"I suspected as much. You seem very excited about them," replied Zhuge Liang.

Liu Shan nodded. "I got them from some nice person from Koei! They're RoTK pajamas, and they have my father on them, and you, and peaches, and some girls dancing with pretty fans… I wore them to court yesterday."

"I see. Very interesting." Zhuge Liang stifled a grimace at the mental image of Liu Shan attending court in peach pajamas. He made a note to get that Koei employee fired, and sent Yue Ying out with it.

Liu Shan continued, "The same nice person also sent me some books with drawings of you and father and some of our friends… and enemies, too, I think. All fighting."

"Naturally," said Zhuge Liang.

"Naked."

"What?"

Liu Shan beamed. "He said it was 'hentai' or 'doujinshi' or something. What does hentai mean, minister father?"

Zhuge Liang scowled darkly. "In this particular case, it means 'eternal shame upon the Liu family, and all those connected to it.' If you come across any similar doujinshi, Sire, you should have them destroyed, and behead the person who shows it to you!"

Liu Shan looked hesitant. "Uh… okay."

Zhuge Liang sent off a note amending his earlier orders. Change to: assassinate the person who gave Liu Shan the pajamas.

Liu Shan said, "But… don't you think the people at Koei will be mad if I order them to be beheaded?"

Zhuge Liang considered that. "… for once, Sire, you speak wisely. One must be tactful in the modern age. Do not have them beheaded; inform me of the incident and I will have the offender crushed under a bullet train in a tragic and unfortunate accident."

The emperor nodded. "Okay. But can I keep the comic books?"

"No."

"You don't think we should keep them for our records?"

"No."

"… phooey."

Zhuge Liang cleared his throat. "Right, now Sire, it is time for me to try to teach you about the Empire, and what you ought to be doing. In the first place, to answer your questions about the Han and edicts. Edicts are imperial orders. You issue them, and people must obey."

Liu Shan nodded thoughtfully. "So, if I dictate in an edict that the Prime Minister has to—"

"No, no, no – let's not make edicts about the Prime Minister." Zhuge Liang shook his head quickly. "In fact, forget what I said about edicts. Just… do as I say, and we'll manage."

"Okay," said Liu Shan happily.

"Don't listen to the eunuchs. Ever. I don't even know why we have eunuchs. They always seem to turn bad."

Liu Shan was struck by an idea. "If Minister Father was a eunuch, there would be one good one!"

"… …" Zhuge Liang was at a loss for a reply. His eyebrow gave the faintest twitch.


End file.
